When Intimacy Clashes With Independence
“This is the supreme challenge of intimacy—how to forge a bond tight enough to feel the warmth of connection but spacious enough to feel free.”(Maria Papova)
Reconciling two contrary needs lies at the heart of intimate human relationships.
We simultaneously need the warmth of intimacy and the reassuring strength of autonomy.
The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer described this eternal struggle in the parable of the porcupines.
In the winter, the porcupines huddled together to offset the freezing cold with their body warmth. Soon their quills began to hurt them, and they moved a little apart. After repeating the process, they discovered the optimal distance where they could tolerate proximity without hurting each other.
Schopenhauer says the human need for warmth will never be fully satisfied because they will need to keep the distance to prevent them from hurting one another.
